Red Flags in Adoption That May Lead to Potential Disruption

Of course not all families who have one or more of the red flags in their adoption will disrupt, but it is useful to know what situations are more common to end in disruption. Those who have one or more red flags may wish to do additional research, have a family discussion and think about what they will do in the unfortunate event things go awry. This list is not meant to judge anyone’s situations or point fingers, only to suggest people think and learn more to encourage more happy and long lasting placements.

1. Adoption out of birth order

2. Virtual Twinning (adopting child the same age as another child in the family)

3. Adopting very soon after another child has entered the family through adoption or birth

4. Starting a new adoption while still completing another, or while pregnant

5. Parent(s) have done little or no research on adoption related issues

6. Parent(s) do not wish to hear any negative or “scary” things about adoption

7. Parent(s) want to save a child and think the child should be grateful to them for being rescued

8. Parent(s) are very strict and uncompromising

9. Parent(s) do not know about, or do not believe in attachment problems, race issues,  grieving and/or and trauma in adopted children.

10. Parent(s) are misinformed about the child’s medical and emotional needs

11. Parent(s) are referred a child much older or younger than requested

12. Parent(s) have little or no support system at home, or refuse to ask for help when needed

13. One parent is often away leaving the other to deal with everything alone

14. Parent(s) do not have the financial means or insurance to support a child with medical or emotional special needs

15. Parent(s) cannot take off of work to care for a child with needs and have no outside help

16. Parent(s) are already caring for a child, parent or another person with medical or emotional needs

17. Parent(s) feel they are too old to care for a child with long term needs

18. All family members are not equally on board with the adoption

19. Another child in the family is very jealous of the new sibling

20. The new child is acting out in violent or sexual ways, or another child in the family is acting in violent or sexual ways to the new child

21. The newly adopted child shows signs of attachment disorder or is heavily grieving

22. The newly adopted child is older and does not wish to be adopted

23. Parent(s) are adopting two children at the same time, especially unrelated children

24. Parent(s) have not yet properly grieved past losses (infertility, failed adoptions, miscarriage, etc)

25. Parent(s) are experiencing marriage or relationship trouble

26. One or more parent is experiencing Post Adoption Depression

27. One or more parent has a mental issue such as anxiety, depression, etc

28. One or more parent has a major change in life (major illness, divorce, loss of home or job, death, etc)

29. Parent(s) expect the adopted child to act age appropriately and the same physically, emotionally, mentally and/or developmentally, as a non-adopted child would

30. Parent(s) believe love conquers all

31. Parent(s) don’t understand that a new child will change their lifestyle, or refuse to change their lifestyle post adoption

32. Parent(s) have multiple children under age 5 and are adding another

33. Parent(s) are shy and or private people, and cannot stand the attention interracial adoption brings to them

34. Parent(s) are embarrassed or in denial of the fact that their child is not biological, or does not look like them. They want to ignore or forget the fact that the child was adopted

35. Parent(s) put their own needs ahead of the child

36. Parent(s) put great value in the physical beauty of the child

37. Parent(s) have unrealistic expectations of the new child

38. Parent(s) are concerned about not spoiling the child, discipline, and letting the child know who is boss

39. Parent(s) have a history of breaking commitments (multiple divorces, non completion of previous adoptions, changes mind often, etc)

40. Parent(s) have little compassion or understanding for the child’s emotions and situation