You have heard the stories before of adoptees who get older and are struggling with their status as an adoptee. You’ve heard of adopted children who fail to ever attach to their new families and the pain and suffering endured because of it. You may be curious how to tell if your child is at risk. If you have come to me asking for definite answers, I am afraid I will have to disappoint you. Trying to figure out whether or not your child will have issues because of adoption is like trying to guess whether they will like the taste of cottage cheese or prefer the color green or red. The responses and emotions your child will have regarding adoption will be as varied as the emotions and personalities of the children themselves. No matter what country or what age you adopt your child, the potential is there for your child to have adoption related issues. That’s not to say that every child who experiences some issues will torture small animals, burn down their parents houses, become drug abusers or try to kill their adoptive parents. No, it might mean that your child wishes they weren’t different from their non-adopted peers, or daydreams about what living in their original family might have been like.

You may believe that if you just love your child enough, or are a good enough parent that you can prevent your child from having hurtful feelings. This isn’t the case. I, myself, was raised by wonderful, amazing people who were not my biological mother and father, and I suffer from attachment issues. That does not mean I love my adoptive parents any less, or that I wish I hadn’t lived with them. It doesn’t mean I have mental problems, am angry or abnormal. It only means that my personality is such that I was more deeply affected by my situation than some of my peers. Its not something that many adoptees feel comfortable talking about, as many times we are labeled as “angry” or “ungrateful” instead of being listened to and respected, so though your adopted cousin Jim may seem perfectly content, and he may be, he may also have adoption related issues that he is not communicating to you.

So, what can you do to help your child if he or she struggles? 

• Listen to them, don’t patronize or negate their feelings, and don’t take their feelings as a personal slam on your parenting. Your child can love you with all of their hearts and still have questions, doubts, sadness and anger.

• Try not to have feelings of jealousy if your child asks questions about his or her original parents. The tug of war and loyalty issues your child may face can be devastating if you seem upset or angry about their interest in their first parents.

• Give them as much information as you have as soon as its age appropriate to hear. As much as you may wish to protect your child from information that isn’t ideal, it is your child’s personal history and it is always best to be totally upfront and honest.

• Don’t expect or demand gratitude. Adopted children will likely take things for granted as much as their non adopted counterparts until they are old enough to reflect back as adults. Saying things such as “You’d still be in an orphanage if we hadn’t saved you, the least you can do is clean your room” isn’t going to make them appreciate you more. It will only make them resentful. As much as your child may have gained from being adopted, remember they suffered great loss as well.

• Be an ally for your child. If strangers are asking nosy questions about your child’s adoption, or they are being made to do a family tree project at school, don’t force your child to be a part of it.

• Be open to communication. Don’t just listen to your child, show them that you are happy and willing to talk and answer questions about adoption, their first parents, racism, adoption related issues and more. If your child senses you are not willing to have adoption related discussions, they may stop talking to you about them or pretend nothing is wrong. It does not mean they no longer have questions or issues.

• Do not deny who your child is. You may see your child as 100% American and race may not be an issue in your eyes, but to the many people who come in contact with your child each day, he or she will be simply a Chinese person. Certain assumptions and expectations will fall on your child by others simply because of their appearance. Don’t deny this, prepare your child for it.

• If your child does show signs of having serious attachment related problems such as RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) or exhibits signs of depression, know that help IS available. Find a therapist who is knowledgeable in adoption, attachment disorder and adoptee issues for your child to talk to.

I would suggest participating in groups and forums where other adoptees, especially international and transracial adoptees, participate and listening to what they have to say. Some may sound angry or depressing, some may be happy and content and at times, the same adoptee may express all of these emotions, but with a little compassion and understanding you may feel it helps you understand your own adopted child better in the future.

Marsha Roberts